sabotaging thoughts/responses from Beck Diet Solution

I'm starting to notice the responses I'm having to sabotaging thoughts!

I thought about eating a cookie sitting near my desk at work.

Thought: I don't have to eat everything I see. Momentary highs are not worth sacrificing my why's!

My stomach growled and I thought "ughhh I'm so hungry".

Thought: Hunger is not an emergency. I can tolerate this.

Woohoo!!

Week 1 out of 4, DOWN! :)

I completed my first weekend of tracking my calories and it was a success!
Friday night, we went to Niko Niko's and I got a mini gyro sandwich and grilled veggies.  I was able to fit that into my daily calories and only went over by about 20.  I felt really good about that because it was a really delicious meal and yet I stuck to my goals!

All weekend, I noticed myself making better choices than I was going completely without tracking. I think this will be good for me. I was still able to splurge and have alcohol and candy. Just not as much as the old Tish would've liked.  I guess it's about finding a balance between old Tish (no restrictions whatsoever) and Perfect Tish (overly restricted).

I'm hoping - no PLANNING! to have just as successful an experience next weekend! 

New calorie plan

Ok, so I just finished my 4th month of healthy eating. The past month or so had some slip-ups and I went a little too crazy on the weekends.  I lost .6 for the month. I think I need more structure for the weekends so I recalculated my TDEE and am going for a 15% reduction. I am reconfiguring to take away from the weekdays to give me more on the weekends. I will track everything on the weekends but will still have more calories to work with.

calculated from EMWL website (Eat More, Weight Less)

TDEE (maintenance calories): 2,612

15% deficit: 2,220

per week: 15,540

reconfiguration:

M-F:  2,000 daily

Sat:  2,770

Sun:  2,770

non-scale victories

month of August - lost 5.8 in a month even with a week of vacation!
9/6 - reached out and found an accountabilibuddy, Vanessa!
10/16 - didn't partake in fajita lunch at work!
10/17 - recommitted to my health goals, determined to have successful days!
10/23 - got super stressed at work, cried and looked at cute animal pictures in the bathroom instead of turning to food
10/26 - got 20, 397 steps in one day!
10/27 - stuck to my calorie limit even though it was Sunday (switched days)
10/28 - resisted pizza in the break room at work!
10/29 - didn't let the scale discourage me (.6 loss in past 4 wks), changed up my goals
10/29 - set up my xbox dancing game so I can turn to that for joy/stress relief
10/31- didn't give in to the pizza, donuts, kolaches and candy that was everywhere at work! (Aside from 1 fun size candy that I was able to fit into my calories for the day!)
11/2-3 - Had a successful weekend of tracking calories for my first time (having to estimate is hard for me!)
11/4  - I resisted the new display of sweets at work (cake, oreo truffles) as well as the huge pile of candy on the reception desk during my lunch coverage duty.  Yay!

Reasons I'm losing weight

1. to avoid health problems that I could've prevented
2. less snoring
3. I can wear whatever I want and look decent
4. to avoid humiliation when I can't do things because of my size
5. stamina for fun active stuff like dancing and hiking
6. making healthy choices makes me feel good about myself
7. to make my loved ones proud of me
8. to be attractive to my boyfriend
9. because unchecked, I gain and gain and gain
10. better sex - stamina, confidence in how I look, flexibility
11. more confidence in social situations
12. to feel more comfortable in hot weather
13. to not feel as self-conscious in skimpy clothes
14. it feels good to feel in-control
15. so I won't hate the way I physically feel in my body
16. so I won't be judged unfairly
17. better job opportunities
18. it sucks to keep buying clothes in bigger and bigger sizes
19. to not have to constantly tug at my shirt to make sure my stomach is covered
20. so I can enjoy feeling my boyfriend's hands on my waist

commitments and whys

My commitments:
-I will stay at or under my calorie goal and track calories for everything I eat on MyFitnessPal, Monday - Friday.
-I will eat like a normal person on Saturday and Sunday: not tracking, eating sensibly when I can and splurging on worth-it stuff, but not stuffing my face. 
-I will get 8,000 steps M-F, including a 30-minute "walk" during my lunch break.
-I will be kind to myself when I slip up and not stress about doing things perfectly or losing weight quickly.
-I will only weigh myself once every 4 weeks.

My main whys:
1. So that I don't have physical limitations (size-wise and fitness-wise)
2. So I can feel good about myself and feel comfortable in my body
3. To avoid health problems

other whys: stop snoring, wear cuter clothes, make my loved ones proud, professional opportunities

Things not in my life anymore

Jesus. I found myself reading old emails from many years ago and came across an email exchange my then-husband and I had. We had blown up at each other and I went to stay the night with a friend. There was so much anger on both sides. And so much FRUSTRATION. I am amazed at how I came off to him. In his eyes, I had a huge anger problem. My PMS was through the roof. I needed to be more heavily medicated. I was constantly mean to him and emotionally distant and cold.

I wonder how much of that was in his head and how much was due to having to deal with his extreme personality. And how much was from being stressed as a teacher (a job I suffered through because I was usually the main bread-winner).

It still makes me sad to think about the death of our marriage. Parts of it were beautiful. But most if it was stressful and incredibly frustrating and led me to believe that I was never good enough. God, I cried so much during those years. After reading those emails, I'm assured that we made the right decision to get a divorce. I'm feeling a lot less stressed these days. A lot happier.

I also found some emails about Transcendental Meditation. Found the receipt. We paid about 1k for it. It was one of the things that was supposed to improve my mood as well as help me with my food addiction. I didn't see any improvement in any way. I just fell asleep every time I'd go and meditate (during the classes. At home, it was hard to make myself do it.)  I decided to give it another try though. It's a lifetime membership, afterall.

Weight loss tips from 2015

I shared these on a Weight Watchers Facebook group back in 2015 after losing 106 pounds. Thought I'd put it here.

#1 Do all your planning/shopping/cooking/prepping on the weekend. It's a lot of work but I love not having to even think about what to eat (let alone having to cook it) the rest of the week.

#2 Pre-track as often as possible. When I track my breakfast, I go ahead and track exactly what I will eat for the rest of the day. I can always go back and edit if needed. Eating the same thing for a week helps make tracking easier as well.

#3 Stick to minimally processed food as much as possible. They will fill you up and make you healthier! Sure the little Weight Watchers snack bars and such are delicious but view them more as a special treat than as a staple of your diet. I try to remember to "splurge" on healthy/natural high-point items like nuts, whole grain baked goods, butter, high quality chocolate, etc.

#4 Don't allow negative thoughts to live in your mind. When they come, reframe them immediately as something positive. "Ughhh... I don't FEEL like working out today!" becomes "I'm so lucky to be able to move my body." or "I always feel great after excercising." I even sort of "lie" to myself in hopes that I'll start to believe it. I think things like "I love to move!" and "Resisting junk food is easy for me!"

#5 Remind yourself often of this: Slow and steady wins the race. Actually "steady" should be replaced with "having ups and downs but overall, moving in the right direction". And "race" should be replaced with "life long journey". This journey requires patience and kindness towards yourself. How you react after slip ups is VITALLY important. Forgive yourself and start fresh (It doesn't have to be the next week or day! It can be the next meal or better yet, the next bite!)

#6 Surround yourself with inspiration. Make a dream boards. Hang positive quotes everywhere. Talk about your journey so others can encourage you. Read blogs. Visit message boards. Browse health magazines and books, the Weight Watchers website, Pinterest, etc. Make a list of your reasons why you are losing weight and review often.

#7 Stop watching TV.  Less couch time and no TV commercials - I still watch shows on DVD but I think the lessened exposure to ads for junk food is a huge deal!

A message to my boyfriend about my weight issues

Thought this would be worth putting here.

Tue, Feb 26, 2019 5:47 PM

Hey babe,

I have a lot to talk about and I wanted to send an email where I could carefully consider my words. You have some experience with my on/off dieting but you don't know the extent of my problems with my weight and food relationship.  I just wanted to make these issues known and communicate to you the importance of me doing something about them.

I've been overweight all my life. I struggle with it in a way that I wouldn't expect you to understand.  I won't go into every little detail but I'll just say I think I have an undiagnosed binge eating disorder. I don't know how to fix it without therapy. Maybe if I have health insurance someday that would make it affordable, I will take advantage.  But so far I've just read self-help books and for a long time leaned on Weight Watchers. I've seriously considered surgical solutions (which I think would just be a band-aid).  I even tried Over-eaters Anonymous for a while. I know how to lose weight and how I should eat.  I just struggle with making myself do it. I truly feel addicted. My weight has gone up and down since I was about 12 years old. If I'm not actively trying to lose weight or eat healthy with a plan, I gain and gain.

Anyway, lately I've just been consumed with negative thoughts about my body and my weight and my out-of-control feelings around food.  I'm mad about how I'm gaining back all the weight I fought so hard to lose in 2015-ish.  It makes me feel really scared because I don't want to end up a different looking person than who you met. That just feels wrong to me. It's not fair to you.  I know everyone has their own standards of attractiveness. I don't think it's shallow.  I used to think it was - that a significant other should love you no matter how you look, but I've changed my attitude on that. And besides, my weight affects our relationship (or will affect it eventually) in other ways.  My snoring, for example.  For those reasons and for many, many others, it's just become really important to me to get serious about getting healthy.

I read a book that gave me some strategies to deal with the binge eating and I'm going to combine it with calorie tracking.  I'm going to treat it with the seriousness of having very serious food allergies. There will just be some foods I can't let myself eat anymore.  And there will be situations where I can't enjoy it like the binge-eating me would like. We're going to have to eat out a lot less and go out drinking a lot less.  We can still cook together but it will have to be healthy stuff. I'll still go out for important occasions and just try to inconspicuously not partake of food/drink or do it in very small amounts.

I know this will suck for you.  Eating out is fun.  Drinking is fun.  I'm sorry to have to do this. But it won't be fun for me to have gained 40 pounds by this time next year.  It won't be fun to feel depressed and start having physical/health issues.

The stuff we have planned this weekend - I still want to go.  I will just eat healthy beforehand and when there maybe eat/drink a few carefully thought-out things that will still fit into my calorie allowance.

Ugh.  I hope all of this make at least some sense.  I wanted to be honest.  I want to ask for your help. I love you and I hope all this isn't too much for you.

-Your (now low-fat) cupcake

Some new affirmations

The only way to fail is to not get back up.
Every slip-up is an opportunity to learn.
I don't have to be perfect.
I am taking full responsibility for what I put in my mouth.
I don't HAVE to give in to my urges. I can observe them and release them and not give them power.
Food has no power over me.
I'm letting go of the unhelpful habits and thinking I've done for so long.
I am patient. I will get healthy slowly.
I don't have to be miserable to be successful.
There is never a good excuse to abuse food. Bad things happen. Food isn't a solution.
I can handle feeling uncomfortable emotions. I'm strong enough.
I love myself just the way I am.
I appreciate my body and everything it does for me.
I am making progress each and every day.
I deserve love and kindness, no matter what I look like or how I've messed up.
There's no finish line and I'm okay with that.
I can do difficult things.
Free food always comes with a not-so-obvious price.
When I'm fed up with life, I don't "deserve" food - I deserve relaxation and self-care.
I'm not a dog. I don't use food as a reward.
I don't have to let negative thoughts affect me.

My plan for eating during my vacation in the Smoky Mountains:

1. I won't count calories but will log everything I eat on my phone (notes app).

2. I'll eat as healthy as possible EXCEPT for dinner on Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday.

3. I'll take healthy snacks for the road.

4. I'll buy healthy groceries to keep in the condo and to take on hikes.

2nd lunch

I realized I forgot to go into my "2nd lunch" situation. Yeah, so apparently I'm a hobbit. As I mentioned previously, the first few weeks of eating within 1840 calories a day, I noticed I was getting extremely hungry by about 4-5 pm regardless of eating a substantial, protein heavy snack. My solution to this was that instead of eating lunch and a large snack, I would just eat 2 lunches. One at noon and one at 3:30.  It was working for about a while, but the past couple days I have been feeling ravenous all day. I don't think the Jimmy Dean light breakfast sandwich (with a banana) in the morning is cutting it.  So goodbye to that.

I'm wondering if the meals I'm eating on the weekend are too large and not allowing my stomach to "shrink down" to where it doesn't need as much to feel full. So I'll try being mindful of that on the weekend.

Yeah - the hunger... not a good situation. I'm fearing it might cause me to binge. Yesterday, I had that restless, maybe-I-should-just-go-eat feeling. I was stressed at work. My stomach was growling. I started feeling resentful of my "diet". I didn't come close to giving in but I'm worried about the fact that those thoughts ran through my mind.

Not sure what to do. I eat pretty healthy foods for my 1840 calories. Fruits and vegetables, whole grains mostly, lean proteins, reduced fat cheeses and greek yogurt.  Here's a sample of what I eat in a day:

I guess I could see maybe cutting back on fruit in favor of something with protein. I don't want to cut out coffee (and I have to have creamer with it). The Lean Cuisine meals probably aren't the best choice but I love the convenience. I know this has to be something sustainable and not something I'm gritting my teeth through. I read recently that oatmeal is a very filling food but I kind of hate it, unless it's the apple cinnamon instant kind, which I don't think serves the same purpose. Anyway, I'm not going to force-feed myself foods I hate. Or cut out too many of the things I like or need (like coffee). So that's the problem I need to solve - walking the line between healthy/filling and mentally satisfying/delicious/works with my lifestyle.

A slip-up and a victory

So things have been swimming along. I completed 4 weeks of staying on-plan! I weighed myself and over the course of the 4 weeks, lost 3.6 pounds. I'm very happy with that number.

I had a small slip-up that I handled really well. There was a surprise Blue Bell ice cream attack at work. Blue Bell is my FAVORITE!! A coworker was leaving and that was our goodbye to her - standing around in my boss' office awkwardly making small talk and eating ice cream. I panicked when I saw the ice cream and thought, "Ok, I shouldn't deprive myself and make it weird by not eating any - I'll just eat a very small amount".  Well, after I finished (scarfed down) that small amount, I was then scared about what would happen next - just stand there and feel awkward? No, I need to be eating to lessen the social anxiety! So I served myself another bowl, this time a pretty large amount. And with caramel sauce. Scarfed that down, too.

Afterward, as I walked back to my desk, I felt disappointed in myself. I never get horribly mean to myself after I "mess up" while dieting. Just this faint feeling of disappointment.  More like I'm annoyed with myself.  But still, I reminded myself to not beat myself up and get right back on track. I had been planning to eat at a restaurant with the BF and a friend that night. I had already pre-tracked what I was going to eat. A quick thought flashed through my mind - you already screwed up with the ice cream - you might as well go hog-wild at the restaurant. I dismissed the thought pretty quickly though. Phew. I re-configured my plan at the restaurant. I decided to skip my 2nd lunch (more on that in a bit) and I ended the day with calories to spare!  I was SO proud of myself!

Yesterday was my 2nd session with James and I told him about my small victory. He was so proud of me! Yeah!! I told him my plan for the next time something like this happens is just to hide out in the bathroom. He thinks it'll work. I do, too (BF doesn't.)  I'm going to let him know how it goes.

We talked about what drives me to binge. He wants to try something called EMDR with me - it's a technique that accesses the subconscious part of the brain that has experienced trauma. I told him it sounds hokey but I'm still willing to try it. I know there is something that drives me to eat that I can't put my finger on. Sometimes it's obvious, like stress or boredom. Sometimes it's not. I just know eating brings me this immediate gratification, this fake ...joy. A high, really. But it's not obvious to me why I'm always chasing this high. On the surface, I think I'm pretty happy and stress-free. So anyway... since EMDR deals with the subconscious, that might be just what I need.  We're starting it next week.  I also have homework - to come up with a concrete plan for how to eat while on vacation in couple of weeks.

Here's to another month of staying on track!

Day 1 of therapy - finished

So yesterday I had my first session with my therapist, James. I was a nervous wreck when I got there. Past attempts at therapy haven't gone very well. Actually, I do think the marriage counseling I went to with my ex was helpful.

Anyway, I felt very comfortable around him and I liked his personality. He's young and it sort of felt like I was talking to a friend. But still... it was rough having to go through all my past (mostly negative) experiences.  I ended up crying pretty hard and feeling a little embarrassed, but James was really supportive and kind. It made me feel really good when he told me I should I be proud of myself for taking such a big step and that he's really excited about helping me. It felt genuine.

I feel optimistic and at the same time still fearful of the work involved. It has never been easy for me to analyze and talk about my feelings. I read in a book once that it's common for survivors of childhood sexual abuse to struggle with identifying emotions.  Nonetheless, I am committing to going regularly and working hard to open up.  I've got my appointment set for next Tuesday. 

my weekend strategy

I had a pretty good weekend. I went over by about 150 calories on Friday, BUT I'm okay with it since I still tried super hard and I was starving by the end of the night so I let myself have some ham and cheese so I wouldn't go to bed miserable. It was a night out with friends and since I didn't have many calories to spend, I tried to be careful. I did sort of impulsively have a watermelon agua fresca at the art show we went to, but I reigned myself back in afterward. I didn't have the free (well, donation-suggested) beer I was originally planning on.  We did all go to a bar at the end of the night and I only drank a grapefruit flavored vodka with soda. I kept perusing the menu half-wishing I could have some fried food but I remained resolute.

Overall, I made some healthier choices over the weekend that I am proud of. I let myself splurge on things that were worth splurging on. The Sunday brunch at Urban Eats had much more "worth-it" food than the Saturday breakfast at House of Pies, so I'm glad I ate the croissant and the brie and the mimosa at the former and had a basic, healthy plate at the latter.

I'm about a week and a day away from the 4 week mark. I will be weighting myself every 2nd Tuesday of the month. I'm a little scared to. I feel like I'm making a just-right amount of change. And if I only see a 2 pound loss over the past month, I'm afraid of feeling like "fuck this shit" and go back to pigging out every day. But hell, even if I only lost 2 pounds a month... over a year, that would be 24 pounds lost! Which is better than gaining 30 by eating in my default way (pigging out every day).  So even if I only lose 2 pounds a month - I'm going to try to be cool with that.

I'm feeling confident about this strategy of eating strictly within my 1,840 calorie allotment Monday through Friday and then on the weekend not tracking, but just trying to make some healthier choices where I can and then splurging in a thoughtful way. I like the break I get and the freedom I feel. Weekends have always been hard for me. Eating at a calorie deficit for 5 out of 7 days has got to make a difference, I'm thinking. And over time I can decide to push it out to 6 days and maybe even 7 eventually as I get stronger.

Reunited and it feels so ....weird

AGHHH!! I can't believe I found my old weight loss blog! Here it is 2019 and I thought to myself, "As I start this 257th attempt at weight loss, I should blog again. I have a lot to "get out" emotionally."  I googled to find a place to blog and Blogger sounded good - I click on the link and lo and behold here is my journey that I started in 2014. Weird.

My heaviest weight and minus 120 pounds.

Well, update: I lost about 120 pounds that go-round. It felt amazing to be that small. And then.... I got divorced. Summer of 2016. I got my own place. Started dating. I had never really dated before I met the guy I married. So dating was a very new and very fun experience. I got a little carried away with drinking and eating out (I was finally living in the city the way I always wanted to). My weight went back up by about 80 pounds over the last 3 years.  It felt miserable feeling my clothes get tighter and tighter and having to buy new clothes in bigger and bigger sizes. But apparently not miserable enough to stop eating. It probably didn't help that I was working in a cupcake bakery. Though it was non-stop on-my-feet work, I was eating the equivalent of several cupcakes a day.  I started a new job and while there are no cupcakes around, I'm now sitting on my ass all day. So it probably evens out - ha!

Back in about 2017, I was in a serious relationship with a guy who I now see was a horrible match for me. He was a bad influence on my physical and mental health. He had tons of baggage and drama. I think I was mostly with him out of pity. What does that say about me? Hmm.

And then I met my current boyfriend, who is just.... amazing. I'm seriously amazed at how drama-free a relationship can be. I've sorta half-way moved in with him and will be fully moved in October when my lease is up at my crooked little garage apartment.  We've been together a year now and I'm truly happy. I hardly ever have depression struggles anymore. If I do, it's maybe a day or two and pretty light.  I remember that when I met him, I was in an upswing of trying to lose weight - I was like, "don't get too used to eating out - I can't eat out very often!" Phhfff. So much for that. Eating out and drinking is just so damn fun. It's something to "do". I've gained about 40 pounds since I met him and I hate that. I hate feeling like I'm turning into a different-looking person that he's now "stuck" with. It's starting to affect my willingness to be intimate. My snoring is an issue. It's embarrassing. I'm embarrassed by the state of my body. I hate looking in the mirror.

This was taken about 3 weeks ago. Being a dork at the Blue Bell Creamery.

One day I was on Reddit and I read someone's account of being forced off a roller coaster because they were too big to fit in the seat.  It really struck me. The BF and I went to a theme park about 8 months ago and we rode a roller coaster with a seat harness that was precariously tight on me.  I panicked as I squeezed it down and it did click, but it was uncomfortably tight.  That Reddit story made me think back on that and I felt very, very scared. Around that time I also hurt my back while helping BF move. I had a strong feeling that it was related to my weight and I just reached a point of "this has to change".

So now it's been a little over 2 weeks since I started my most recent serious attempt to lose weight. I'm counting calories, trying to stay at 1,840. My TDEE is 2,250, so that's a reduction of about 400 calories. I decided that at least for now I'm going to not worry about tracking on the weekend, but just try to make sensible choices.  Exercise wise - nothing big - aiming for 8,000 steps daily and 3 days a week at the gym, just a brisk walk on the treadmill for 35 minutes. This all seems pretty non-extreme to me but I am struggling with hunger. I can eat a full meal at 12 and by 3:30 I'm starving, so I'll eat a large, protein-heavy snack and yet by 5, I'm starving again. And yes, I mean stomach-growling, hangry hunger, not just cravings.  I'm hoping it's just my body adjusting to things. We'll see.  I'm wanting to do this slowly and sensibly. I'm not trying to lose 3 pounds a week. I'd be happy with 5 pounds in a month.

I also have plans to see a therapist to discuss the emotional/mental issues that are causing me to overeat in the first place. I don't want to do it. I hate talking about my feelings. But I'm tired of this life. I think trying to lose weight and keep it off will be infinitely difficult without treating the root cause. So many podcasts and Reddit posts and blogs and books that I've encountered are all sending me that message. Treat the root cause. So that's what I'll be trying to do on Tuesday after work. I hope I don't die.

Here's to another 120 pound weight loss!