A message to my boyfriend about my weight issues

Thought this would be worth putting here.

Tue, Feb 26, 2019 5:47 PM

Hey babe,

I have a lot to talk about and I wanted to send an email where I could carefully consider my words. You have some experience with my on/off dieting but you don't know the extent of my problems with my weight and food relationship.  I just wanted to make these issues known and communicate to you the importance of me doing something about them.

I've been overweight all my life. I struggle with it in a way that I wouldn't expect you to understand.  I won't go into every little detail but I'll just say I think I have an undiagnosed binge eating disorder. I don't know how to fix it without therapy. Maybe if I have health insurance someday that would make it affordable, I will take advantage.  But so far I've just read self-help books and for a long time leaned on Weight Watchers. I've seriously considered surgical solutions (which I think would just be a band-aid).  I even tried Over-eaters Anonymous for a while. I know how to lose weight and how I should eat.  I just struggle with making myself do it. I truly feel addicted. My weight has gone up and down since I was about 12 years old. If I'm not actively trying to lose weight or eat healthy with a plan, I gain and gain.

Anyway, lately I've just been consumed with negative thoughts about my body and my weight and my out-of-control feelings around food.  I'm mad about how I'm gaining back all the weight I fought so hard to lose in 2015-ish.  It makes me feel really scared because I don't want to end up a different looking person than who you met. That just feels wrong to me. It's not fair to you.  I know everyone has their own standards of attractiveness. I don't think it's shallow.  I used to think it was - that a significant other should love you no matter how you look, but I've changed my attitude on that. And besides, my weight affects our relationship (or will affect it eventually) in other ways.  My snoring, for example.  For those reasons and for many, many others, it's just become really important to me to get serious about getting healthy.

I read a book that gave me some strategies to deal with the binge eating and I'm going to combine it with calorie tracking.  I'm going to treat it with the seriousness of having very serious food allergies. There will just be some foods I can't let myself eat anymore.  And there will be situations where I can't enjoy it like the binge-eating me would like. We're going to have to eat out a lot less and go out drinking a lot less.  We can still cook together but it will have to be healthy stuff. I'll still go out for important occasions and just try to inconspicuously not partake of food/drink or do it in very small amounts.

I know this will suck for you.  Eating out is fun.  Drinking is fun.  I'm sorry to have to do this. But it won't be fun for me to have gained 40 pounds by this time next year.  It won't be fun to feel depressed and start having physical/health issues.

The stuff we have planned this weekend - I still want to go.  I will just eat healthy beforehand and when there maybe eat/drink a few carefully thought-out things that will still fit into my calorie allowance.

Ugh.  I hope all of this make at least some sense.  I wanted to be honest.  I want to ask for your help. I love you and I hope all this isn't too much for you.

-Your (now low-fat) cupcake

2nd lunch

I realized I forgot to go into my "2nd lunch" situation. Yeah, so apparently I'm a hobbit. As I mentioned previously, the first few weeks of eating within 1840 calories a day, I noticed I was getting extremely hungry by about 4-5 pm regardless of eating a substantial, protein heavy snack. My solution to this was that instead of eating lunch and a large snack, I would just eat 2 lunches. One at noon and one at 3:30.  It was working for about a while, but the past couple days I have been feeling ravenous all day. I don't think the Jimmy Dean light breakfast sandwich (with a banana) in the morning is cutting it.  So goodbye to that.

I'm wondering if the meals I'm eating on the weekend are too large and not allowing my stomach to "shrink down" to where it doesn't need as much to feel full. So I'll try being mindful of that on the weekend.

Yeah - the hunger... not a good situation. I'm fearing it might cause me to binge. Yesterday, I had that restless, maybe-I-should-just-go-eat feeling. I was stressed at work. My stomach was growling. I started feeling resentful of my "diet". I didn't come close to giving in but I'm worried about the fact that those thoughts ran through my mind.

Not sure what to do. I eat pretty healthy foods for my 1840 calories. Fruits and vegetables, whole grains mostly, lean proteins, reduced fat cheeses and greek yogurt.  Here's a sample of what I eat in a day:

I guess I could see maybe cutting back on fruit in favor of something with protein. I don't want to cut out coffee (and I have to have creamer with it). The Lean Cuisine meals probably aren't the best choice but I love the convenience. I know this has to be something sustainable and not something I'm gritting my teeth through. I read recently that oatmeal is a very filling food but I kind of hate it, unless it's the apple cinnamon instant kind, which I don't think serves the same purpose. Anyway, I'm not going to force-feed myself foods I hate. Or cut out too many of the things I like or need (like coffee). So that's the problem I need to solve - walking the line between healthy/filling and mentally satisfying/delicious/works with my lifestyle.