A slip-up and a victory

So things have been swimming along. I completed 4 weeks of staying on-plan! I weighed myself and over the course of the 4 weeks, lost 3.6 pounds. I'm very happy with that number.

I had a small slip-up that I handled really well. There was a surprise Blue Bell ice cream attack at work. Blue Bell is my FAVORITE!! A coworker was leaving and that was our goodbye to her - standing around in my boss' office awkwardly making small talk and eating ice cream. I panicked when I saw the ice cream and thought, "Ok, I shouldn't deprive myself and make it weird by not eating any - I'll just eat a very small amount".  Well, after I finished (scarfed down) that small amount, I was then scared about what would happen next - just stand there and feel awkward? No, I need to be eating to lessen the social anxiety! So I served myself another bowl, this time a pretty large amount. And with caramel sauce. Scarfed that down, too.

Afterward, as I walked back to my desk, I felt disappointed in myself. I never get horribly mean to myself after I "mess up" while dieting. Just this faint feeling of disappointment.  More like I'm annoyed with myself.  But still, I reminded myself to not beat myself up and get right back on track. I had been planning to eat at a restaurant with the BF and a friend that night. I had already pre-tracked what I was going to eat. A quick thought flashed through my mind - you already screwed up with the ice cream - you might as well go hog-wild at the restaurant. I dismissed the thought pretty quickly though. Phew. I re-configured my plan at the restaurant. I decided to skip my 2nd lunch (more on that in a bit) and I ended the day with calories to spare!  I was SO proud of myself!

Yesterday was my 2nd session with James and I told him about my small victory. He was so proud of me! Yeah!! I told him my plan for the next time something like this happens is just to hide out in the bathroom. He thinks it'll work. I do, too (BF doesn't.)  I'm going to let him know how it goes.

We talked about what drives me to binge. He wants to try something called EMDR with me - it's a technique that accesses the subconscious part of the brain that has experienced trauma. I told him it sounds hokey but I'm still willing to try it. I know there is something that drives me to eat that I can't put my finger on. Sometimes it's obvious, like stress or boredom. Sometimes it's not. I just know eating brings me this immediate gratification, this fake ...joy. A high, really. But it's not obvious to me why I'm always chasing this high. On the surface, I think I'm pretty happy and stress-free. So anyway... since EMDR deals with the subconscious, that might be just what I need.  We're starting it next week.  I also have homework - to come up with a concrete plan for how to eat while on vacation in couple of weeks.

Here's to another month of staying on track!

spending points wisely

Since starting Weight Watchers, I'm slowly learning that there's a right way to spend points and a wrong way.  Yeah, I could probably eat fast food all day and technically lose weight as long as I stay within  my points, but I'm trying to show my body some love.  Jack-in-the-Box and eating until I feel like I'm gonna pop is not love.  I have to be strategic in order to find that balance between fueling my body correctly and not depriving myself too drastically.  And I'm seeing it as a process.  Yeah, I still eat some junk food occasionally, but slowly  I will wean myself off of it.  I gotta say - I love that with Weight Watchers, you actually learn how to eat healthfully and you can do  it at your own pace.

Recently in an attempt to "use up the rest of my points", I went to Jason's Deli and got the salad bar and an ice cream cone for dessert.  Well within my points, and very healthy (the salad part anyway), but  it was just TOO MUCH food.  I felt so incredibly over-stuffed and miserable afterward.  Oddly enough  though, I still had a ton of points left and the day before my points re-set, I ate like, 4 skinny cow ice cream sandwiches in one day.  Again, within my points, but I'm realizing I'm still eating like an addict sometimes.  Cheap food is also an issue, like 50-cent hot dogs at Ikea.  I went a little overboard the other day.  I should not be eating that junk!  At least not without a good reason!  "Cheap" is not a good reason.

Some thoughts I had on how I should spend my points:

Worth it 
-Foods that make healthy stuff more appetizing, like full fat dressing on salad, chocolate on nuts  (plain nuts are so blech), or a tasty dip for fresh vegetables.
-Healthy fats like avocado, nuts, peanut butter, and the healthy oils I'm SUPPOSED to be having anyway.
-True indulgences like Godiva chocolate, Blue Bell ice cream (in small portions) or a cake pop or mocha  frappucino from Starbucks.
-Eating out for a special occasion at a nice restaurant.

Not worth it
-Stuffing myself just because I have the points, whether the food is healthy or not.
-Cheap or free junk food and fast food.
-Gross "healthy" foods that I have to force myself to eat, like fat free cottage cheese - *dry heave*.
-Alcohol, unless I am trying to get drunk, which I only do when I'm out dancing with a bunch of friends.
-Soda and juice. I've gotten very used to only drinking water.

I'm proud of myself for recognizing this problem and doing something about it.  About a week later I returned to Jason's deli but stayed away from the salad bar (something about buffets - ugh) - I got a grilled chicken wrap with fresh fruit on the side.  It left plenty of room for the ice cream cone that I still "had" to get.  Down the road I'll worry about consuming less sugar, but the fact that I acted out a strategy to not stuff myself at Jason's Deli was a big accomplishment. Go me!