Thought this would be worth putting here.
Tue, Feb 26, 2019 5:47 PM
Hey babe,
I have a lot to talk about and I wanted to send an email where I could carefully consider my words. You have some experience with my on/off dieting but you don't know the extent of my problems with my weight and food relationship. I just wanted to make these issues known and communicate to you the importance of me doing something about them.
I've been overweight all my life. I struggle with it in a way that I wouldn't expect you to understand. I won't go into every little detail but I'll just say I think I have an undiagnosed binge eating disorder. I don't know how to fix it without therapy. Maybe if I have health insurance someday that would make it affordable, I will take advantage. But so far I've just read self-help books and for a long time leaned on Weight Watchers. I've seriously considered surgical solutions (which I think would just be a band-aid). I even tried Over-eaters Anonymous for a while. I know how to lose weight and how I should eat. I just struggle with making myself do it. I truly feel addicted. My weight has gone up and down since I was about 12 years old. If I'm not actively trying to lose weight or eat healthy with a plan, I gain and gain.
Anyway, lately I've just been consumed with negative thoughts about my body and my weight and my out-of-control feelings around food. I'm mad about how I'm gaining back all the weight I fought so hard to lose in 2015-ish. It makes me feel really scared because I don't want to end up a different looking person than who you met. That just feels wrong to me. It's not fair to you. I know everyone has their own standards of attractiveness. I don't think it's shallow. I used to think it was - that a significant other should love you no matter how you look, but I've changed my attitude on that. And besides, my weight affects our relationship (or will affect it eventually) in other ways. My snoring, for example. For those reasons and for many, many others, it's just become really important to me to get serious about getting healthy.
I read a book that gave me some strategies to deal with the binge eating and I'm going to combine it with calorie tracking. I'm going to treat it with the seriousness of having very serious food allergies. There will just be some foods I can't let myself eat anymore. And there will be situations where I can't enjoy it like the binge-eating me would like. We're going to have to eat out a lot less and go out drinking a lot less. We can still cook together but it will have to be healthy stuff. I'll still go out for important occasions and just try to inconspicuously not partake of food/drink or do it in very small amounts.
I know this will suck for you. Eating out is fun. Drinking is fun. I'm sorry to have to do this. But it won't be fun for me to have gained 40 pounds by this time next year. It won't be fun to feel depressed and start having physical/health issues.
The stuff we have planned this weekend - I still want to go. I will just eat healthy beforehand and when there maybe eat/drink a few carefully thought-out things that will still fit into my calorie allowance.
Ugh. I hope all of this make at least some sense. I wanted to be honest. I want to ask for your help. I love you and I hope all this isn't too much for you.
-Your (now low-fat) cupcake
Tue, Feb 26, 2019 5:47 PM
Hey babe,
I have a lot to talk about and I wanted to send an email where I could carefully consider my words. You have some experience with my on/off dieting but you don't know the extent of my problems with my weight and food relationship. I just wanted to make these issues known and communicate to you the importance of me doing something about them.
I've been overweight all my life. I struggle with it in a way that I wouldn't expect you to understand. I won't go into every little detail but I'll just say I think I have an undiagnosed binge eating disorder. I don't know how to fix it without therapy. Maybe if I have health insurance someday that would make it affordable, I will take advantage. But so far I've just read self-help books and for a long time leaned on Weight Watchers. I've seriously considered surgical solutions (which I think would just be a band-aid). I even tried Over-eaters Anonymous for a while. I know how to lose weight and how I should eat. I just struggle with making myself do it. I truly feel addicted. My weight has gone up and down since I was about 12 years old. If I'm not actively trying to lose weight or eat healthy with a plan, I gain and gain.
Anyway, lately I've just been consumed with negative thoughts about my body and my weight and my out-of-control feelings around food. I'm mad about how I'm gaining back all the weight I fought so hard to lose in 2015-ish. It makes me feel really scared because I don't want to end up a different looking person than who you met. That just feels wrong to me. It's not fair to you. I know everyone has their own standards of attractiveness. I don't think it's shallow. I used to think it was - that a significant other should love you no matter how you look, but I've changed my attitude on that. And besides, my weight affects our relationship (or will affect it eventually) in other ways. My snoring, for example. For those reasons and for many, many others, it's just become really important to me to get serious about getting healthy.
I read a book that gave me some strategies to deal with the binge eating and I'm going to combine it with calorie tracking. I'm going to treat it with the seriousness of having very serious food allergies. There will just be some foods I can't let myself eat anymore. And there will be situations where I can't enjoy it like the binge-eating me would like. We're going to have to eat out a lot less and go out drinking a lot less. We can still cook together but it will have to be healthy stuff. I'll still go out for important occasions and just try to inconspicuously not partake of food/drink or do it in very small amounts.
I know this will suck for you. Eating out is fun. Drinking is fun. I'm sorry to have to do this. But it won't be fun for me to have gained 40 pounds by this time next year. It won't be fun to feel depressed and start having physical/health issues.
The stuff we have planned this weekend - I still want to go. I will just eat healthy beforehand and when there maybe eat/drink a few carefully thought-out things that will still fit into my calorie allowance.
Ugh. I hope all of this make at least some sense. I wanted to be honest. I want to ask for your help. I love you and I hope all this isn't too much for you.
-Your (now low-fat) cupcake
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