AGHHH!! I can't believe I found my old weight loss blog! Here it is 2019 and I thought to myself, "As I start this 257th attempt at weight loss, I should blog again. I have a lot to "get out" emotionally." I googled to find a place to blog and Blogger sounded good - I click on the link and lo and behold here is my journey that I started in 2014. Weird.
Well, update: I lost about 120 pounds that go-round. It felt amazing to be that small. And then.... I got divorced. Summer of 2016. I got my own place. Started dating. I had never really dated before I met the guy I married. So dating was a very new and very fun experience. I got a little carried away with drinking and eating out (I was finally living in the city the way I always wanted to). My weight went back up by about 80 pounds over the last 3 years. It felt miserable feeling my clothes get tighter and tighter and having to buy new clothes in bigger and bigger sizes. But apparently not miserable enough to stop eating. It probably didn't help that I was working in a cupcake bakery. Though it was non-stop on-my-feet work, I was eating the equivalent of several cupcakes a day. I started a new job and while there are no cupcakes around, I'm now sitting on my ass all day. So it probably evens out - ha!
Back in about 2017, I was in a serious relationship with a guy who I now see was a horrible match for me. He was a bad influence on my physical and mental health. He had tons of baggage and drama. I think I was mostly with him out of pity. What does that say about me? Hmm.
And then I met my current boyfriend, who is just.... amazing. I'm seriously amazed at how drama-free a relationship can be. I've sorta half-way moved in with him and will be fully moved in October when my lease is up at my crooked little garage apartment. We've been together a year now and I'm truly happy. I hardly ever have depression struggles anymore. If I do, it's maybe a day or two and pretty light. I remember that when I met him, I was in an upswing of trying to lose weight - I was like, "don't get too used to eating out - I can't eat out very often!" Phhfff. So much for that. Eating out and drinking is just so damn fun. It's something to "do". I've gained about 40 pounds since I met him and I hate that. I hate feeling like I'm turning into a different-looking person that he's now "stuck" with. It's starting to affect my willingness to be intimate. My snoring is an issue. It's embarrassing. I'm embarrassed by the state of my body. I hate looking in the mirror.
One day I was on Reddit and I read someone's account of being forced off a roller coaster because they were too big to fit in the seat. It really struck me. The BF and I went to a theme park about 8 months ago and we rode a roller coaster with a seat harness that was precariously tight on me. I panicked as I squeezed it down and it did click, but it was uncomfortably tight. That Reddit story made me think back on that and I felt very, very scared. Around that time I also hurt my back while helping BF move. I had a strong feeling that it was related to my weight and I just reached a point of "this has to change".
So now it's been a little over 2 weeks since I started my most recent serious attempt to lose weight. I'm counting calories, trying to stay at 1,840. My TDEE is 2,250, so that's a reduction of about 400 calories. I decided that at least for now I'm going to not worry about tracking on the weekend, but just try to make sensible choices. Exercise wise - nothing big - aiming for 8,000 steps daily and 3 days a week at the gym, just a brisk walk on the treadmill for 35 minutes. This all seems pretty non-extreme to me but I am struggling with hunger. I can eat a full meal at 12 and by 3:30 I'm starving, so I'll eat a large, protein-heavy snack and yet by 5, I'm starving again. And yes, I mean stomach-growling, hangry hunger, not just cravings. I'm hoping it's just my body adjusting to things. We'll see. I'm wanting to do this slowly and sensibly. I'm not trying to lose 3 pounds a week. I'd be happy with 5 pounds in a month.
I also have plans to see a therapist to discuss the emotional/mental issues that are causing me to overeat in the first place. I don't want to do it. I hate talking about my feelings. But I'm tired of this life. I think trying to lose weight and keep it off will be infinitely difficult without treating the root cause. So many podcasts and Reddit posts and blogs and books that I've encountered are all sending me that message. Treat the root cause. So that's what I'll be trying to do on Tuesday after work. I hope I don't die.
Here's to another 120 pound weight loss!
 |
| My heaviest weight and minus 120 pounds. |
Well, update: I lost about 120 pounds that go-round. It felt amazing to be that small. And then.... I got divorced. Summer of 2016. I got my own place. Started dating. I had never really dated before I met the guy I married. So dating was a very new and very fun experience. I got a little carried away with drinking and eating out (I was finally living in the city the way I always wanted to). My weight went back up by about 80 pounds over the last 3 years. It felt miserable feeling my clothes get tighter and tighter and having to buy new clothes in bigger and bigger sizes. But apparently not miserable enough to stop eating. It probably didn't help that I was working in a cupcake bakery. Though it was non-stop on-my-feet work, I was eating the equivalent of several cupcakes a day. I started a new job and while there are no cupcakes around, I'm now sitting on my ass all day. So it probably evens out - ha!
Back in about 2017, I was in a serious relationship with a guy who I now see was a horrible match for me. He was a bad influence on my physical and mental health. He had tons of baggage and drama. I think I was mostly with him out of pity. What does that say about me? Hmm.
And then I met my current boyfriend, who is just.... amazing. I'm seriously amazed at how drama-free a relationship can be. I've sorta half-way moved in with him and will be fully moved in October when my lease is up at my crooked little garage apartment. We've been together a year now and I'm truly happy. I hardly ever have depression struggles anymore. If I do, it's maybe a day or two and pretty light. I remember that when I met him, I was in an upswing of trying to lose weight - I was like, "don't get too used to eating out - I can't eat out very often!" Phhfff. So much for that. Eating out and drinking is just so damn fun. It's something to "do". I've gained about 40 pounds since I met him and I hate that. I hate feeling like I'm turning into a different-looking person that he's now "stuck" with. It's starting to affect my willingness to be intimate. My snoring is an issue. It's embarrassing. I'm embarrassed by the state of my body. I hate looking in the mirror.
 |
| This was taken about 3 weeks ago. Being a dork at the Blue Bell Creamery. |
One day I was on Reddit and I read someone's account of being forced off a roller coaster because they were too big to fit in the seat. It really struck me. The BF and I went to a theme park about 8 months ago and we rode a roller coaster with a seat harness that was precariously tight on me. I panicked as I squeezed it down and it did click, but it was uncomfortably tight. That Reddit story made me think back on that and I felt very, very scared. Around that time I also hurt my back while helping BF move. I had a strong feeling that it was related to my weight and I just reached a point of "this has to change".
So now it's been a little over 2 weeks since I started my most recent serious attempt to lose weight. I'm counting calories, trying to stay at 1,840. My TDEE is 2,250, so that's a reduction of about 400 calories. I decided that at least for now I'm going to not worry about tracking on the weekend, but just try to make sensible choices. Exercise wise - nothing big - aiming for 8,000 steps daily and 3 days a week at the gym, just a brisk walk on the treadmill for 35 minutes. This all seems pretty non-extreme to me but I am struggling with hunger. I can eat a full meal at 12 and by 3:30 I'm starving, so I'll eat a large, protein-heavy snack and yet by 5, I'm starving again. And yes, I mean stomach-growling, hangry hunger, not just cravings. I'm hoping it's just my body adjusting to things. We'll see. I'm wanting to do this slowly and sensibly. I'm not trying to lose 3 pounds a week. I'd be happy with 5 pounds in a month.
I also have plans to see a therapist to discuss the emotional/mental issues that are causing me to overeat in the first place. I don't want to do it. I hate talking about my feelings. But I'm tired of this life. I think trying to lose weight and keep it off will be infinitely difficult without treating the root cause. So many podcasts and Reddit posts and blogs and books that I've encountered are all sending me that message. Treat the root cause. So that's what I'll be trying to do on Tuesday after work. I hope I don't die.
Here's to another 120 pound weight loss!
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