New calorie plan

Ok, so I just finished my 4th month of healthy eating. The past month or so had some slip-ups and I went a little too crazy on the weekends.  I lost .6 for the month. I think I need more structure for the weekends so I recalculated my TDEE and am going for a 15% reduction. I am reconfiguring to take away from the weekdays to give me more on the weekends. I will track everything on the weekends but will still have more calories to work with.

calculated from EMWL website (Eat More, Weight Less)

TDEE (maintenance calories): 2,612

15% deficit: 2,220

per week: 15,540

reconfiguration:

M-F:  2,000 daily

Sat:  2,770

Sun:  2,770

non-scale victories

month of August - lost 5.8 in a month even with a week of vacation!
9/6 - reached out and found an accountabilibuddy, Vanessa!
10/16 - didn't partake in fajita lunch at work!
10/17 - recommitted to my health goals, determined to have successful days!
10/23 - got super stressed at work, cried and looked at cute animal pictures in the bathroom instead of turning to food
10/26 - got 20, 397 steps in one day!
10/27 - stuck to my calorie limit even though it was Sunday (switched days)
10/28 - resisted pizza in the break room at work!
10/29 - didn't let the scale discourage me (.6 loss in past 4 wks), changed up my goals
10/29 - set up my xbox dancing game so I can turn to that for joy/stress relief
10/31- didn't give in to the pizza, donuts, kolaches and candy that was everywhere at work! (Aside from 1 fun size candy that I was able to fit into my calories for the day!)
11/2-3 - Had a successful weekend of tracking calories for my first time (having to estimate is hard for me!)
11/4  - I resisted the new display of sweets at work (cake, oreo truffles) as well as the huge pile of candy on the reception desk during my lunch coverage duty.  Yay!

Reasons I'm losing weight

1. to avoid health problems that I could've prevented
2. less snoring
3. I can wear whatever I want and look decent
4. to avoid humiliation when I can't do things because of my size
5. stamina for fun active stuff like dancing and hiking
6. making healthy choices makes me feel good about myself
7. to make my loved ones proud of me
8. to be attractive to my boyfriend
9. because unchecked, I gain and gain and gain
10. better sex - stamina, confidence in how I look, flexibility
11. more confidence in social situations
12. to feel more comfortable in hot weather
13. to not feel as self-conscious in skimpy clothes
14. it feels good to feel in-control
15. so I won't hate the way I physically feel in my body
16. so I won't be judged unfairly
17. better job opportunities
18. it sucks to keep buying clothes in bigger and bigger sizes
19. to not have to constantly tug at my shirt to make sure my stomach is covered
20. so I can enjoy feeling my boyfriend's hands on my waist

commitments and whys

My commitments:
-I will stay at or under my calorie goal and track calories for everything I eat on MyFitnessPal, Monday - Friday.
-I will eat like a normal person on Saturday and Sunday: not tracking, eating sensibly when I can and splurging on worth-it stuff, but not stuffing my face. 
-I will get 8,000 steps M-F, including a 30-minute "walk" during my lunch break.
-I will be kind to myself when I slip up and not stress about doing things perfectly or losing weight quickly.
-I will only weigh myself once every 4 weeks.

My main whys:
1. So that I don't have physical limitations (size-wise and fitness-wise)
2. So I can feel good about myself and feel comfortable in my body
3. To avoid health problems

other whys: stop snoring, wear cuter clothes, make my loved ones proud, professional opportunities

Things not in my life anymore

Jesus. I found myself reading old emails from many years ago and came across an email exchange my then-husband and I had. We had blown up at each other and I went to stay the night with a friend. There was so much anger on both sides. And so much FRUSTRATION. I am amazed at how I came off to him. In his eyes, I had a huge anger problem. My PMS was through the roof. I needed to be more heavily medicated. I was constantly mean to him and emotionally distant and cold.

I wonder how much of that was in his head and how much was due to having to deal with his extreme personality. And how much was from being stressed as a teacher (a job I suffered through because I was usually the main bread-winner).

It still makes me sad to think about the death of our marriage. Parts of it were beautiful. But most if it was stressful and incredibly frustrating and led me to believe that I was never good enough. God, I cried so much during those years. After reading those emails, I'm assured that we made the right decision to get a divorce. I'm feeling a lot less stressed these days. A lot happier.

I also found some emails about Transcendental Meditation. Found the receipt. We paid about 1k for it. It was one of the things that was supposed to improve my mood as well as help me with my food addiction. I didn't see any improvement in any way. I just fell asleep every time I'd go and meditate (during the classes. At home, it was hard to make myself do it.)  I decided to give it another try though. It's a lifetime membership, afterall.

Weight loss tips from 2015

I shared these on a Weight Watchers Facebook group back in 2015 after losing 106 pounds. Thought I'd put it here.

#1 Do all your planning/shopping/cooking/prepping on the weekend. It's a lot of work but I love not having to even think about what to eat (let alone having to cook it) the rest of the week.

#2 Pre-track as often as possible. When I track my breakfast, I go ahead and track exactly what I will eat for the rest of the day. I can always go back and edit if needed. Eating the same thing for a week helps make tracking easier as well.

#3 Stick to minimally processed food as much as possible. They will fill you up and make you healthier! Sure the little Weight Watchers snack bars and such are delicious but view them more as a special treat than as a staple of your diet. I try to remember to "splurge" on healthy/natural high-point items like nuts, whole grain baked goods, butter, high quality chocolate, etc.

#4 Don't allow negative thoughts to live in your mind. When they come, reframe them immediately as something positive. "Ughhh... I don't FEEL like working out today!" becomes "I'm so lucky to be able to move my body." or "I always feel great after excercising." I even sort of "lie" to myself in hopes that I'll start to believe it. I think things like "I love to move!" and "Resisting junk food is easy for me!"

#5 Remind yourself often of this: Slow and steady wins the race. Actually "steady" should be replaced with "having ups and downs but overall, moving in the right direction". And "race" should be replaced with "life long journey". This journey requires patience and kindness towards yourself. How you react after slip ups is VITALLY important. Forgive yourself and start fresh (It doesn't have to be the next week or day! It can be the next meal or better yet, the next bite!)

#6 Surround yourself with inspiration. Make a dream boards. Hang positive quotes everywhere. Talk about your journey so others can encourage you. Read blogs. Visit message boards. Browse health magazines and books, the Weight Watchers website, Pinterest, etc. Make a list of your reasons why you are losing weight and review often.

#7 Stop watching TV.  Less couch time and no TV commercials - I still watch shows on DVD but I think the lessened exposure to ads for junk food is a huge deal!

A message to my boyfriend about my weight issues

Thought this would be worth putting here.

Tue, Feb 26, 2019 5:47 PM

Hey babe,

I have a lot to talk about and I wanted to send an email where I could carefully consider my words. You have some experience with my on/off dieting but you don't know the extent of my problems with my weight and food relationship.  I just wanted to make these issues known and communicate to you the importance of me doing something about them.

I've been overweight all my life. I struggle with it in a way that I wouldn't expect you to understand.  I won't go into every little detail but I'll just say I think I have an undiagnosed binge eating disorder. I don't know how to fix it without therapy. Maybe if I have health insurance someday that would make it affordable, I will take advantage.  But so far I've just read self-help books and for a long time leaned on Weight Watchers. I've seriously considered surgical solutions (which I think would just be a band-aid).  I even tried Over-eaters Anonymous for a while. I know how to lose weight and how I should eat.  I just struggle with making myself do it. I truly feel addicted. My weight has gone up and down since I was about 12 years old. If I'm not actively trying to lose weight or eat healthy with a plan, I gain and gain.

Anyway, lately I've just been consumed with negative thoughts about my body and my weight and my out-of-control feelings around food.  I'm mad about how I'm gaining back all the weight I fought so hard to lose in 2015-ish.  It makes me feel really scared because I don't want to end up a different looking person than who you met. That just feels wrong to me. It's not fair to you.  I know everyone has their own standards of attractiveness. I don't think it's shallow.  I used to think it was - that a significant other should love you no matter how you look, but I've changed my attitude on that. And besides, my weight affects our relationship (or will affect it eventually) in other ways.  My snoring, for example.  For those reasons and for many, many others, it's just become really important to me to get serious about getting healthy.

I read a book that gave me some strategies to deal with the binge eating and I'm going to combine it with calorie tracking.  I'm going to treat it with the seriousness of having very serious food allergies. There will just be some foods I can't let myself eat anymore.  And there will be situations where I can't enjoy it like the binge-eating me would like. We're going to have to eat out a lot less and go out drinking a lot less.  We can still cook together but it will have to be healthy stuff. I'll still go out for important occasions and just try to inconspicuously not partake of food/drink or do it in very small amounts.

I know this will suck for you.  Eating out is fun.  Drinking is fun.  I'm sorry to have to do this. But it won't be fun for me to have gained 40 pounds by this time next year.  It won't be fun to feel depressed and start having physical/health issues.

The stuff we have planned this weekend - I still want to go.  I will just eat healthy beforehand and when there maybe eat/drink a few carefully thought-out things that will still fit into my calorie allowance.

Ugh.  I hope all of this make at least some sense.  I wanted to be honest.  I want to ask for your help. I love you and I hope all this isn't too much for you.

-Your (now low-fat) cupcake