Day 1 of therapy - finished

So yesterday I had my first session with my therapist, James. I was a nervous wreck when I got there. Past attempts at therapy haven't gone very well. Actually, I do think the marriage counseling I went to with my ex was helpful.

Anyway, I felt very comfortable around him and I liked his personality. He's young and it sort of felt like I was talking to a friend. But still... it was rough having to go through all my past (mostly negative) experiences.  I ended up crying pretty hard and feeling a little embarrassed, but James was really supportive and kind. It made me feel really good when he told me I should I be proud of myself for taking such a big step and that he's really excited about helping me. It felt genuine.

I feel optimistic and at the same time still fearful of the work involved. It has never been easy for me to analyze and talk about my feelings. I read in a book once that it's common for survivors of childhood sexual abuse to struggle with identifying emotions.  Nonetheless, I am committing to going regularly and working hard to open up.  I've got my appointment set for next Tuesday. 

my weekend strategy

I had a pretty good weekend. I went over by about 150 calories on Friday, BUT I'm okay with it since I still tried super hard and I was starving by the end of the night so I let myself have some ham and cheese so I wouldn't go to bed miserable. It was a night out with friends and since I didn't have many calories to spend, I tried to be careful. I did sort of impulsively have a watermelon agua fresca at the art show we went to, but I reigned myself back in afterward. I didn't have the free (well, donation-suggested) beer I was originally planning on.  We did all go to a bar at the end of the night and I only drank a grapefruit flavored vodka with soda. I kept perusing the menu half-wishing I could have some fried food but I remained resolute.

Overall, I made some healthier choices over the weekend that I am proud of. I let myself splurge on things that were worth splurging on. The Sunday brunch at Urban Eats had much more "worth-it" food than the Saturday breakfast at House of Pies, so I'm glad I ate the croissant and the brie and the mimosa at the former and had a basic, healthy plate at the latter.

I'm about a week and a day away from the 4 week mark. I will be weighting myself every 2nd Tuesday of the month. I'm a little scared to. I feel like I'm making a just-right amount of change. And if I only see a 2 pound loss over the past month, I'm afraid of feeling like "fuck this shit" and go back to pigging out every day. But hell, even if I only lost 2 pounds a month... over a year, that would be 24 pounds lost! Which is better than gaining 30 by eating in my default way (pigging out every day).  So even if I only lose 2 pounds a month - I'm going to try to be cool with that.

I'm feeling confident about this strategy of eating strictly within my 1,840 calorie allotment Monday through Friday and then on the weekend not tracking, but just trying to make some healthier choices where I can and then splurging in a thoughtful way. I like the break I get and the freedom I feel. Weekends have always been hard for me. Eating at a calorie deficit for 5 out of 7 days has got to make a difference, I'm thinking. And over time I can decide to push it out to 6 days and maybe even 7 eventually as I get stronger.

Reunited and it feels so ....weird

AGHHH!! I can't believe I found my old weight loss blog! Here it is 2019 and I thought to myself, "As I start this 257th attempt at weight loss, I should blog again. I have a lot to "get out" emotionally."  I googled to find a place to blog and Blogger sounded good - I click on the link and lo and behold here is my journey that I started in 2014. Weird.

My heaviest weight and minus 120 pounds.

Well, update: I lost about 120 pounds that go-round. It felt amazing to be that small. And then.... I got divorced. Summer of 2016. I got my own place. Started dating. I had never really dated before I met the guy I married. So dating was a very new and very fun experience. I got a little carried away with drinking and eating out (I was finally living in the city the way I always wanted to). My weight went back up by about 80 pounds over the last 3 years.  It felt miserable feeling my clothes get tighter and tighter and having to buy new clothes in bigger and bigger sizes. But apparently not miserable enough to stop eating. It probably didn't help that I was working in a cupcake bakery. Though it was non-stop on-my-feet work, I was eating the equivalent of several cupcakes a day.  I started a new job and while there are no cupcakes around, I'm now sitting on my ass all day. So it probably evens out - ha!

Back in about 2017, I was in a serious relationship with a guy who I now see was a horrible match for me. He was a bad influence on my physical and mental health. He had tons of baggage and drama. I think I was mostly with him out of pity. What does that say about me? Hmm.

And then I met my current boyfriend, who is just.... amazing. I'm seriously amazed at how drama-free a relationship can be. I've sorta half-way moved in with him and will be fully moved in October when my lease is up at my crooked little garage apartment.  We've been together a year now and I'm truly happy. I hardly ever have depression struggles anymore. If I do, it's maybe a day or two and pretty light.  I remember that when I met him, I was in an upswing of trying to lose weight - I was like, "don't get too used to eating out - I can't eat out very often!" Phhfff. So much for that. Eating out and drinking is just so damn fun. It's something to "do". I've gained about 40 pounds since I met him and I hate that. I hate feeling like I'm turning into a different-looking person that he's now "stuck" with. It's starting to affect my willingness to be intimate. My snoring is an issue. It's embarrassing. I'm embarrassed by the state of my body. I hate looking in the mirror.

This was taken about 3 weeks ago. Being a dork at the Blue Bell Creamery.

One day I was on Reddit and I read someone's account of being forced off a roller coaster because they were too big to fit in the seat.  It really struck me. The BF and I went to a theme park about 8 months ago and we rode a roller coaster with a seat harness that was precariously tight on me.  I panicked as I squeezed it down and it did click, but it was uncomfortably tight.  That Reddit story made me think back on that and I felt very, very scared. Around that time I also hurt my back while helping BF move. I had a strong feeling that it was related to my weight and I just reached a point of "this has to change".

So now it's been a little over 2 weeks since I started my most recent serious attempt to lose weight. I'm counting calories, trying to stay at 1,840. My TDEE is 2,250, so that's a reduction of about 400 calories. I decided that at least for now I'm going to not worry about tracking on the weekend, but just try to make sensible choices.  Exercise wise - nothing big - aiming for 8,000 steps daily and 3 days a week at the gym, just a brisk walk on the treadmill for 35 minutes. This all seems pretty non-extreme to me but I am struggling with hunger. I can eat a full meal at 12 and by 3:30 I'm starving, so I'll eat a large, protein-heavy snack and yet by 5, I'm starving again. And yes, I mean stomach-growling, hangry hunger, not just cravings.  I'm hoping it's just my body adjusting to things. We'll see.  I'm wanting to do this slowly and sensibly. I'm not trying to lose 3 pounds a week. I'd be happy with 5 pounds in a month.

I also have plans to see a therapist to discuss the emotional/mental issues that are causing me to overeat in the first place. I don't want to do it. I hate talking about my feelings. But I'm tired of this life. I think trying to lose weight and keep it off will be infinitely difficult without treating the root cause. So many podcasts and Reddit posts and blogs and books that I've encountered are all sending me that message. Treat the root cause. So that's what I'll be trying to do on Tuesday after work. I hope I don't die.

Here's to another 120 pound weight loss!