The Early Years
I've been overweight my entire life. When I was a baby, my mom called me her lechuga (lettuce) because I was "fresh and round" like a head of lettuce. I weighed 10 pounds as a baby; I'm told the nurses were in disbelief upon learning that I was not, in fact, a 6-month-old. Obesity runs in my family from my mom's side; my mom, my sister and all of my aunts are overweight or have been at some point. I grew up being constantly tormented by my then-thin sister. I don't remember being made fun of that much at school but maybe I've just blocked those memories out.
Random weight and food related memories of my childhood:
-Being about 7 and my parents sitting me down and having a serious talk about my weight. They went out and bought me a scale that night. I don't remember what came of it but I do remember not having any kind of plan and feeling very scared. They probably told me I was gonna die or something. They're dramatic like that.
-Going to Mexico all the time as a kid during school breaks was so fun. My aunt owned a little convenience store and of course I loved hanging out with my cousins, but that store was a big reason I loved visiting her. My favorites were Pizzerolas (pizza flavored tortilla chips), Poffets (cheese-flavored popcorn), cajeta (a caramel-type spread) on bolillos (a chewy white bread roll), the sodas, the candy... all for free. I was in fat-kid heaven. Elsewhere in Mexico - street tacos, tamales, Mexican hot chocolate (way better than American) and of course, like typical grandmothers, mine were always insisting that I eat, eat, eat. Who was I to argue?
-I used to love to come home from school and eat a couple of frozen mini cheeseburgers, pizza rolls or mini pizzas (like, the Totino's Party Pizza kind, which, to this day, I still eat when I feel like trashing my "diet".)
-I started cooking from a young age (maybe 10?) and I remember often making cupcakes and other treats for parties at school. Of course, my mom cooked too, and I would happily eat everything she cooked.
-When I was 9, we moved into a house that was next door to an Exxon station. I was constantly waddling over to buy Blue Bell ice cream (another present-day problem food), Cheetos and Snickers bars. I bet if you checked their records, you'd see a huge jump in business once we came around.
Looking back, I don't understand why mom let me eat the way I did. Recently, H (the husband) wanted to ask her but I couldn't. I figured her feelings would be hurt. I can only assume she was trying to make me happy. Maybe she felt it was too mean to deprive me of the foods I loved. Maybe in my tween years she felt she needed to make up for the stress her marital problems put on my sister and me. I dunno. I do know my mom loves me and tried her best.
I should mention here that I went through a few instances of sexual abuse as a kid. I'm assuming that it was from this point that I went from enjoying food to abusing it. It was strange though how I sort of blocked out those memories until I was an adult. I believe on a subconscious level I was fattening myself as a method of protecting myself. I often felt unloved. But food loved me back, at least temporarily. It numbed the bad feelings. It brought me instant gratification. To this day I have a huge problem identifying and talking about my feelings. So many times H will ask me what I'm feeling and I truthfully cannot put a label on it. I feel kind of broken in that respect.
I was a very introverted, quiet, kinda weird but generally well-behaved kid. I didn't have very many friends. I did, however, get good grades in school. I loved to read (probably to escape) and to draw. In some ways my childhood was typical. In some ways it wasn't - being a 1st-generation American to Mexican-born parents was something that shaped who I am. Though I grew up speaking Spanish, there was still a language barrier sometimes. I love my mom very much, but I wish I had grown up closer to her. A lot of my familial relationships were like this. I think this is why I felt so lonely as a kid. I would have been closer to my sister, but we apparently hated each other back then.
Yeah, loneliness. I think this was one of the main contributors to my food problem. In some ways I'm still lonely, but I am so thankful for my husband.
Well, next time I'll talk about where the dieting starts.
I've been overweight my entire life. When I was a baby, my mom called me her lechuga (lettuce) because I was "fresh and round" like a head of lettuce. I weighed 10 pounds as a baby; I'm told the nurses were in disbelief upon learning that I was not, in fact, a 6-month-old. Obesity runs in my family from my mom's side; my mom, my sister and all of my aunts are overweight or have been at some point. I grew up being constantly tormented by my then-thin sister. I don't remember being made fun of that much at school but maybe I've just blocked those memories out.
Random weight and food related memories of my childhood:
-Being about 7 and my parents sitting me down and having a serious talk about my weight. They went out and bought me a scale that night. I don't remember what came of it but I do remember not having any kind of plan and feeling very scared. They probably told me I was gonna die or something. They're dramatic like that.
-Going to Mexico all the time as a kid during school breaks was so fun. My aunt owned a little convenience store and of course I loved hanging out with my cousins, but that store was a big reason I loved visiting her. My favorites were Pizzerolas (pizza flavored tortilla chips), Poffets (cheese-flavored popcorn), cajeta (a caramel-type spread) on bolillos (a chewy white bread roll), the sodas, the candy... all for free. I was in fat-kid heaven. Elsewhere in Mexico - street tacos, tamales, Mexican hot chocolate (way better than American) and of course, like typical grandmothers, mine were always insisting that I eat, eat, eat. Who was I to argue?
-I used to love to come home from school and eat a couple of frozen mini cheeseburgers, pizza rolls or mini pizzas (like, the Totino's Party Pizza kind, which, to this day, I still eat when I feel like trashing my "diet".)
-I started cooking from a young age (maybe 10?) and I remember often making cupcakes and other treats for parties at school. Of course, my mom cooked too, and I would happily eat everything she cooked.
-When I was 9, we moved into a house that was next door to an Exxon station. I was constantly waddling over to buy Blue Bell ice cream (another present-day problem food), Cheetos and Snickers bars. I bet if you checked their records, you'd see a huge jump in business once we came around.
Looking back, I don't understand why mom let me eat the way I did. Recently, H (the husband) wanted to ask her but I couldn't. I figured her feelings would be hurt. I can only assume she was trying to make me happy. Maybe she felt it was too mean to deprive me of the foods I loved. Maybe in my tween years she felt she needed to make up for the stress her marital problems put on my sister and me. I dunno. I do know my mom loves me and tried her best.
I should mention here that I went through a few instances of sexual abuse as a kid. I'm assuming that it was from this point that I went from enjoying food to abusing it. It was strange though how I sort of blocked out those memories until I was an adult. I believe on a subconscious level I was fattening myself as a method of protecting myself. I often felt unloved. But food loved me back, at least temporarily. It numbed the bad feelings. It brought me instant gratification. To this day I have a huge problem identifying and talking about my feelings. So many times H will ask me what I'm feeling and I truthfully cannot put a label on it. I feel kind of broken in that respect.
I was a very introverted, quiet, kinda weird but generally well-behaved kid. I didn't have very many friends. I did, however, get good grades in school. I loved to read (probably to escape) and to draw. In some ways my childhood was typical. In some ways it wasn't - being a 1st-generation American to Mexican-born parents was something that shaped who I am. Though I grew up speaking Spanish, there was still a language barrier sometimes. I love my mom very much, but I wish I had grown up closer to her. A lot of my familial relationships were like this. I think this is why I felt so lonely as a kid. I would have been closer to my sister, but we apparently hated each other back then.
Yeah, loneliness. I think this was one of the main contributors to my food problem. In some ways I'm still lonely, but I am so thankful for my husband.
Well, next time I'll talk about where the dieting starts.
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